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How to Talk About Sex After Years of Silence
Delila Team
There's this moment at night when you're both lying in bed. The bedside lamp goes off. One turns to their side, the other does too. And between you lies this silence. Not the comfortable silence of people who know each other so well they don't need words. But the other kind. The silence that feels like a wall.
If you haven't had sex in your marriage for a long time, you know exactly which silence I mean.
Maybe it's been months. Maybe years. Maybe you can't even remember when the last time was. And the worst part isn't necessarily the missing sex. The worst part is that you don't talk about it. That this topic has become so big and so heavy that neither of you knows how to even bring it up anymore.
If you recognize yourself here, then this article is for you. Not to tell you what you're doing wrong. But to show you that there's a way back. And that this way begins with a conversation.
Why No Sex in Marriage Weighs So Heavily
Let's first acknowledge why this topic is so burdensome.
Sex in a marriage is more than physical satisfaction. It's an expression of connection, of desire, of "I still choose you." When this part of your relationship falls asleep, it often feels like something fundamental is missing, even if you're still close in all other areas.
Many people in sexless marriages describe a feeling of loneliness that's hard to explain. You live together, you share daily life, maybe you're even best friends. But this one level is missing. And over time, you start to wonder whether you're still seen as a partner or just as a roommate.
Then there's the uncertainty. When the topic remains unspoken for so long, you start telling yourself stories. Maybe he thinks I'm not attractive anymore. Maybe she doesn't love me anymore. Maybe this is the beginning of the end.
These stories make the silence even harder to break. Because who wants to start a conversation that might confirm what you fear most?
Why You've Stopped Talking About Sex
Before we talk about how you can have the conversation, we need to understand why it's so difficult.
The fear of hurting each other is real. When you haven't been intimate for a long time, every word feels like a minefield. You don't want to hurt your partner. You don't want to suggest that something's wrong with them. You don't want to sound like someone who only wants one thing. So you'd rather say nothing.
Shame plays a big role. Talking about sex is still associated with shame for many people, even after years of marriage. Maybe you were taught that you don't talk about such things. Maybe you're ashamed of your desires. Maybe you're ashamed that you don't feel like it anymore. Shame silences.
You don't know where to start. The longer the silence lasts, the bigger the topic becomes. At some point, it feels like you'd have to work through years just to start a conversation. That's overwhelming. So you keep putting it off.
The fear of what you might hear. Some people avoid the conversation because they're afraid of the answer. What if my partner says they don't desire me anymore? What if she says she's unhappy? Sometimes ignorance feels safer than certainty.
All these reasons are understandable. But they don't change the fact that silence doesn't make the situation better. On the contrary.
How Silence About Sex Affects Your Marriage
When you don't talk about the missing intimacy, something insidious happens.
The partner who wants more closeness starts to feel rejected. Every evening without touch becomes a small confirmation that something's wrong. Over time, they withdraw, stop initiating, to protect themselves from further rejection.
The partner who has less desire feels this withdrawal. Maybe she interprets it as disinterest or as confirmation that the relationship isn't working anymore anyway. Or she feels guilty and pressured, which lowers desire even further.
A vicious cycle emerges. Both feel lonely, both miss something, but neither talks about it. The distance grows, and eventually the wall feels so high that you no longer know how to overcome it.
This is the point where many couples give up. But it's also the point where a single honest conversation can change everything.
The First Step: Preparing the Conversation
A conversation about sex after long silence isn't something you do in passing. It deserves preparation. Not because it should be a formal meeting, but because you both deserve the best chances.
Choose the right moment. Not at night in bed when the expectation of intimacy hangs in the air. Not after an argument. Not when you're rushing out the door. Choose a moment when you're both relaxed and have time. A weekend morning over coffee. A walk without the kids. An evening when you've consciously planned time for each other.
Go in with the right mindset. You want to understand, not win. You want to bring yourselves closer, not assign blame. Remember that you're on the same side. You both want a fulfilling relationship. You've just forgotten how to talk about it.
Prepare for different reactions. Maybe your partner will be relieved that you're bringing up the topic. Maybe they'll be surprised or need time. Maybe she'll react defensively because the topic has been avoided for so long. All of that is okay. The goal of the first conversation isn't to solve everything. The goal is to open the door.
Questions About Sex That Can Open the Conversation
The hardest part is often the first sentence. Here are some ways you can start the conversation without it feeling like an attack.
If you're the one who wants more closeness:
You could say: "I miss our physical closeness, and I want to understand how you feel about it. Not to put pressure on you, but because our connection matters to me."
Or: "I feel like we've physically drifted apart lately. I'd like to know how you see it and if there's something we should talk about."
These sentences work because they're I-statements. You're talking about your feelings and perceptions without blaming your partner.
If you're the one who has less desire:
You could say: "I know our physical closeness hasn't been what it used to be lately, and I want to explain what's going on inside me. It has nothing to do with not loving you anymore."
Or: "I notice that my body and my needs have changed, and I want to be honest with you about it. Can we talk about this without it feeling like we have to solve something right away?"
These sentences open the door while taking off the pressure. You show willingness to be vulnerable without promising a finished outcome.
Questions that enable deeper conversations:
Once the conversation has started, these questions can help go deeper:
How have you been feeling in your body lately?
Is there something you wish for from me that you haven't expressed yet?
What has changed since we started drifting apart physically?
Is there something I can do to help you feel more comfortable and relaxed?
What would you wish for our intimacy if you could wish for anything?
These questions about sex aren't interrogations. They're invitations. They show your partner that you truly want to understand and are ready to listen.
What to Do When the Conversation Gets Difficult
Not every conversation about sex goes smoothly. Sometimes there are tears. Sometimes there's frustration. Sometimes there's silence first.
If your partner reacts defensively, don't try to fight against it. Instead, say something like: "I notice this is hard right now. We don't have to figure everything out today. I just wanted you to know that this matters to me."
If the conversation stalls, that's okay. You've opened the door. That alone is a success. Some conversations need time to unfold. Give yourselves that time.
If you notice that you're both stuck, that's not failure. It's a sign that you might need support. A couples therapist can create a neutral space where such conversations come easier. That's not weakness—it's an investment in your relationship.
When Direct Conversations Are Too Hard
Sometimes the words aren't there yet. Sometimes the fear is too great. Sometimes you need a different way.
Some couples find it easier to write to each other. A letter or a message can be the first step when spoken words are too hard. You can take time to organize your thoughts, and your partner can read and process in peace before responding.
Others use external occasions as conversation openers. A book about relationships that you read together. A podcast about intimacy that you listen to. An article like this one that you send to your partner with the words "This reminded me of us, can we talk about it?"
And then there are ways that don't require words at all—at least at the beginning. Delila is one such way. With Delila, you both independently look at different ideas. From sensual experiences to conversation starters to new experiences you could share together. The app only shows you what you both find interesting.
The special thing about it: There's no rejection. You only learn about the things where you've both said yes. This way you can discover where your shared desires lie without risking standing alone with your interest.
For many couples who haven't talked about sex in a long time, this is a gentle first step. Not as a replacement for the conversation, but as a bridge to it.
The Way Back to Intimacy Is a Process
I wish I could tell you that one conversation changes everything. That after an honest discussion, you'll immediately be like you were at the beginning.
But that's usually not how it works. The way back to intimacy after a long time of silence is a process. It takes time, patience, and the willingness to keep having conversations.
But this process starts somewhere. And it starts with one of you having the courage to break the silence.
The first conversation doesn't have to be perfect. It doesn't have to solve all the problems. It just has to show that your relationship matters enough to talk about. Everything else can grow from there.
Your marriage isn't over just because you haven't had sex in a long time. It's at a turning point. And what you make of this turning point is in your hands.
The first step? A sentence. A question. The willingness to listen.
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